About a year ago, someone asked me what I wanted from the year. My response was something along the lines of, “Oh, I want to be happy.” It was a bit of a throwaway response, unintentionally flippant. It was just an odd question from someone I felt did not know me enough to be asking me that. Resolutions are after all, often deeply revelatory and measured. Along the lines of “Oh I want to finally have a baby; I want to get married; I plan to get a promotion; I am visiting my dream country.” Things that tend to expose you a little.
We laughed it off and continued, but when I really sat down and looked over my resolution list and what I hoped to get from the year, happiness was right there at the top, overarching. I have been consistent with that demand over the years. I have followed through. I was tired of being a sad girl. I wanted to sparkle, to shine without apology, to be who I truly am, not at the mercy of my emotions and people who dulled me. Happy was a priority; to be insisted on, prioritised and chased without apology.
Ever since I was young, I have struggled with anxiety, consistently focusing on what could go wrong. Never on what was working. It was usually the smaller things that I allowed to snowball into something more, digging deeper and deeper into my head, fixated on the one tiny thing I had messed up, the things beyond my actual human control. Truth is, I was and am doing better than I imagine. That came when I resolved to persist regardless of the fear and stress that idea brings me.
This year, I want to move forward. To be honest, to be kind, to make a difference, to have fun. And to keep pushing through, to not not worry so much about messing up and to see how well I actually am doing.
A simple life,a happy life, a loving life. To be honest, to be open, to be kind, to be a good person, to make a difference, to do my work well, to be excellent, to just keep pushing through, to have fun and to not worry about things going wrong and to not worry so much about messing up . And to know that I can always start again if I do mess up. And to remember that most times, I am doing just fine.