Bruised and Battered

She had been feeling so defeated. Emotionally spent and exhausted.  Why was it that she always seemed to find herself hopelessly entangled with boys who drained the life out of her while they carried on their merry ways with other girls?  She could not explain it fully, but felt that she had lately lost belief in the concept of love and emotions. She felt defeated, spent and fragile. She was not altogether sure that she would survive another entanglement.

The year had been challenging. She had been taking hit after hit in a game she was not even fully aware of having been drafted to play in. Her heart was worn out and fragile, frayed around the edges; her mind upset and troubled. The light in her eyes had gone out a little, her enthusiasm had been squashed, hopes crushed. On some days, she constantly found herself inexplicably on the edge of tears.

I keep finding myself playing a destructive game I never ever even signed up to play in. 

This little gem summed up how the year had treated her. It came in a moment of utter defeat and incredible sadness.

I get it Universe. I do. You have made your point. Now please stop and allow me to recover and regain belief in humanity. If you do not, I am not sure I ever will again. And that idea terrifies me. You are greater than I am. I am nothingness. I have no right to fall for anyone, to hope that some boy whom I like will actually like me back and treat me well, will go out of his way for me in the same way I am willing to do for him. I get it. And you win.No one likes a show-off  That just makes you an ass-hole, or a douche bag  or a douche baggy a-hole. And people like those even less than they do a show-off. Ask anyone.

She felt a little crazy. That disgustingly uncontrolled crazy when you are obsessed with someone and are deeply in like and cannot shake off the feelings overcoming you although you clearly see the disaster which will inevitably result a little down the line and the emotional wreck you will be. The crazy you feel when the Universe will not simply allow you to bow out graciously from the beginning but insists that you collect your un-dues  and get your behind and tattered heart handed to you after a particularly humiliating and debilitating episode.

Why was it so hard? Deciphering the actions and thoughts and words of someone whose actions were begging you to not stay around and yet kept you hanging on and hoping. Always hoping that maybe today would be the day he saw you and wanted you, and appreciated you for the amazing being you were.

 

She felt emotionally abused. So many emotions floating freely around. Uninvited, unwanted, intrusive. Emotionally battered. She was losing this battle which she had never even signed up for!  How was it fair for an ENTIRE Universe to wage such a constant and unrelenting war against the poor and insignificant little speck which she was?

She was so tired, and not too sure that she could bear much more. Not in this state.

She conceded, ” Life and Universe, you win,” she sighed heavily. . .

 

 

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