I had an epiphany today. It wasn’t about anything profound like what I want to do with my life when I graduate or where I want to live. But it was still an epiphany. And it had me floating through the rest of my day.
There is a young man that I am and have been deeply enamoured with. I was trying so hard to make it work and to make us ‘a thing’ because I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a really long time, if ever. I really wanted him in my life. It felt right. He and I were meant to be. We have great chemistry and conversations and laughs. We have a lot in common and enough differences to make it interesting and exciting. When I am with him, I never have to think about what I am saying or feel uncomfortable or be coy. It is really quite extraordinary.
Then today I realised that I am not looking for a casual hook-up or meaningless drunken half-coherent conversations and sweaty kisses in the back of a car after a wild night out on the town. I have never been looking for those things.
All I want is someone like him, who understands me and likes me and with whom I have fantastic chemistry. I want someone who can make me laugh but will listen when I come to him in tears because I am having a crisis of self or my friends have abandoned me or I have just had a bad day and failed a test. I want someone who will hold my hand as we walk down the street and hug me tightly for no reason. I want someone who I can sit with and say absolutely nothing and listen to some good music and eat Doritos all night with and never feel the need to use words.
I want late night chats, on the phone, and face to face. Laughs and plenty of them! Pizza and wine parties. Soft kisses. Hungry kisses. Long enveloping hugs. To fall asleep and be safe with him and wake up in his arms. I want someone to share my dreams and fears and insecurities with, as well as my desires and plans. Someone who will challenge me and laugh at me when I am being an obnoxious and insufferable pig but who will forgive me and still see the value in me despite my many shortcomings. Most of all, over and above anything and everything, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me and only me.
I want to commit to someone who is ready to love me the way that I deserve to be loved rather than someone who sees me as a space-filler until someone prettier comes along or his girlfriend comes home from her trip overseas. Life is too short to compromise on the things that matter the most. And what matters most to me right now is to love the right person at the right time and in the right way.I know we are in college and these are the best years to hang loose and let it all out, but that is absolutely what I am not looking for. I just want a mature and passionate and fun type of love. I deserve to be loved and to be loved properly and to be treated right.
The thing is, there will always be someone who will be the perfect person, but if they are not ready to love me perfectly in my imperfection and with all their failings, then they are absolutely not the right person. Or rather, they are the right person but at the completely wrong time. And that is alright. If I want soft kisses in the middle of the night from a slightly intoxicated man, I can get that any day of the week. But that is not what I am looking for right now. And I am ready to let go of the perfect person who has come along at the wrong time.
That was my epiphany today. I realised that even if I were with my perfect person, it would not be enough because what he has to offer me right now is in no way close to what I am ready and looking for. If I am going to be with someone, it has to be right in some basic ways. So in so much as it hurts me and I will die a little to let go, the joy I feel from letting go of him is inexplicably freeing.
Clinging to the right person at the wrong time is dangerous. And that is exactly what I have been doing. I was so afraid that if I let him go, I would never get over it. I have been so sad and depressed and self-flagellating about the entire situation. I ask myself why I could not just let him go. It took time and a lot of it, and I have no doubt that it will take even more time to fully translate into my life. What I realise now is that if I don’t let him go, I will never forgive myself and I will be depriving myself of the joy I am currently feeling. It has been a day of great introspection and honesty. I told my friend today that I have been endeavouring to lead a more honest life. Especially with myself. Honest. Brutally honest. And he laughed and replied, “You are always honest.”
I fell deeply for the perfect person at the wrong time and in the wrong circumstances. Today I freed myself from that pain and resentment and fear and self-loathing. He might be Mr Right, but he is not Mr Right right-now. And he would never be
the right one if I accepted him as he currently is and with the inadequate offerings he would have for me at this time. We might end up together. We might not. We probably will not and I will look back in a year’s time and chide myself for being melodramatic and childish for thinking I would never find anyone like him when I have barely seen what the world has to offer. That’s me for today. I feel much lighter and happy and hopeful.
Thank you for reading.